


repose

by airedis



Series: quiet verse [2]
Category: VIXX
Genre: Asexual Character, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-30
Updated: 2014-12-30
Packaged: 2018-03-04 09:43:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3063143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/airedis/pseuds/airedis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes it gets harder to drown out life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	repose

**Author's Note:**

> Companion fic to reticent. It doesn't need to be read in order to understand this one but it might be helpful.

Taekwoon can disappear when he wants to. He can pack up his thoughts and stow away in his head for hours on end with tinny strings of music floating through his ears. The others usually find him, hours later, stuffed away in some corner, back to the wall and head somewhere in the sky. He keeps his eyes closed, the childish notion of "if I can't see you, you can't see me" always playing at the back of his mind, and he wrestles with the hidden specters that seep into the cracks of his thoughts.

Sometimes Taekwoon thinks that if he tries hard enough he can really disappear. If he concentrates, he can erase his presence from other people's minds, his fingers becoming intangible and transparent. He can glide between real thoughts, slipping through walls and memories more quietly than a falling leaf, and he can do it for hours on end without wasting more than a few minutes.

The other members usually don't look for him for a long time and by then he's already explored the world a hundred times over. It'd be nice, he thinks, to really be able to pass through walls, to really disappear and float through existence quietly for a little while. It'd be nice to just get some fresh air. Taekwoon clenches his eyes shut more tightly and lets out a sigh.

Being a ghost has its perks.

-

There's a muscle twitching in his thigh and Taekwoon can't sleep. He's exhausted in the aching, bone-weary sort of way and there's a prickling pressure boring deep into his eyes, but he can't sleep. He's turned over, tossed back and forth, kicked his covers off and then pulled them back on again. He's sang every ballad he can think of but in the middle of a line, without fail every time, the muscle in his leg jerks, pounds like it's trying to tear out of his skin and he's back to square one.

In the other room Wonsik is snoring so loud that Taekwoon can hear him even with the buffer of two doors. In his own room, Hongbin's own light snores match in a rhythmic staccato and Taekwoon imagines a bass line, thickly plunking itself in between. Next to him Jaehwan shifts and kicks out, nearly catching Taekwoon with his heel. Taekwoon turns his head to look at the other boy and raises a hand to trace around Jaehwan's outline.

His eyes have long since adjusted to the darkness.

Eventually, muscle still pulsing distractingly in his leg, Taekwoon gets up and heads to the couch in the living room. At least that way, when he pulls out his computer, the light won't disturb anyone. He mindlessly clicks through pages, eyes scanning but not really taking anything in, as his whole body buzzes just underneath his skin. It's too cold to be out there but Taekwoon hadn't thought to bring his jacket and he doesn't really feel like moving anymore.

His legs are stretched out in front of him uselessly, the position doing nothing to lessen the bothersome muscle spasms. Taekwoon sinks back against the arm of the couch and throws his head back. He brings an arm up to cover his eyes, replacing the dull darkness with a new sort of sharper blackness, and breathes deeply. He absently clenches and unclenches his fist and tries not to shiver. At least the computer is warming up his legs.

He wakes up some few hours later with his computer gone from his lap, replaced instead with a thick blanket. The lights are still off and it's not yet morning but Taekwoon can feel rather than see the blanket and he supposes that's all that really matters. He grabs a handful of it, hefts it up a bit higher, and resolves to think about it when he wakes up.

In the morning, Taekwoon is awoken by Sanghyuk's complaints and a cupboard being closed loudly. Taekwoon gets up and blindly stumbles into the bathroom to wash his face. His leg is sore from the cramped muscle and it tingles as he splashes water against his puffy eyes. He's already forgotten about the blanket.

-

Hakyeon likes to kiss so Taekwoon lets him. He doesn't really feel that strongly one way or the other but Hakyeon likes it so Taekwoon allows himself be pulled along for it. He was the one who started it anyway. Hakyeon had been stressed just before a comeback trying to make sure that everything was in order, that everything was _perfect_. Unbeknownst to himself, Hakyeon does a really good job of working himself up over the smallest things and somehow it's become Taekwoon's job to straighten him out and get him back into focus.

So when Hakyeon had been pacing angrily back and forth across their empty dorm, pulling at his hair and running over their schedule for the next week, Taekwoon had grabbed at his shoulders. Hot angry tears were rolling down Hakyeon's face and he looked more broken than Taekwoon had ever seen him since the night before their debut. The only thing he could think to do to get Hakyeon to concentrate was to kiss him, so he'd pressed a soft, dry kiss to Hakyeon's lips and then started explaining how they were going to work through everything together. Looking back on it, Taekwoon's not entirely sure that Hakyeon had taken in anything he'd said but at least he'd stopped pacing.

And now Taekwoon lets Hakyeon pull him aside, into the dim corners of the hallway and behind closed doors, and he lets Hakyeon kiss him. Because it's not so bad (sometimes it's even kind of nice) and because Hakyeon needs it. Taekwoon thinks it's something more than just Hakyeon trying to let off some steam and tension, something more like the only way he can anchor himself to any semblance of clarity without losing himself.

Hakyeon does a really good job of not pushing Taekwoon any further than he's capable of going. Sometimes he has to gently push Hakyeon's hands away from the hem of his shirt or off the top of his leg but Hakyeon never looks hurt by it. Taekwoon is thankful for this because blatant physical affection was never a part of him the way it's a part of Hakyeon but Hakyeon seems to accept that.

Hakyeon seems content to accept Taekwoon's hesitant embraces and the quiet moments when his fingers encircle Hakyeon's wrist in a comforting hold. Hakyeon never kisses him like he's suffocating and Taekwoon is all the more grateful for it. Everything is soft and slow and Taekwoon does his best to soothe the painful ache he knows rises in Hakyeon when they run on too many nights of not enough sleep. The world is rushing towards them at full speed and Hakyeon takes these moments to slow everything down. Taekwoon thinks that Hakyeon does it for him sometimes too, slows down and approaches Taekwoon carefully, mildly, like a wounded animal.

Taekwoon can't do much for Hakyeon but he can do this. So when Hakyeon has that look in his eyes like the universe is on fire and he's burning into ash, Taekwoon touches his hand and knows that Hakyeon understands that Taekwoon is there for him. And Hakyeon's lips are as warm as his palms so sometimes Taekwoon is selfish and takes what comfort he can get. When Hakyeon needs him, Taekwoon steals all of his kisses for himself and hides them away in a tiny little box. (Hakyeon has the only key but Taekwoon's not ready to tell him that yet.)

-

He's smashed against the door of the car and he's becoming very familiar with the smell of Jaehwan's hairspray crusted hair. Hakyeon has, for whatever reason, abandoned the front seat in favor of squeezing himself into Jaehwan's usual spot and Taekwoon somehow has less room than he normally would when the three of them share the middle. This probably has something to do with the game that Hakyeon and Jaehwan are currently engaged in, so Taekwoon pulls back as far as he can and presses his cheek against the window.

He idly watches the scenery mix into a mass of muddled blurs, colors bleeding into each other and making him wonder if they were even in the same country anymore. The youngest three are asleep in the back and Taekwoon envies them. He's not sure he remembers what it's like to just sleep - and even though he knows they'll have to wake up when they get to their next schedule, everyone seems to sleep more peacefully than he has since he became a trainee. He hasn't felt the weight of sleeplessness leave his bones in a long time.

He's not tired right now (not any more than usual) and he's feeling vindictive and a little spiteful, so when Jaehwan's shoulder bumps against his, Taekwoon kicks out against his leg. Not hard, but it gets him and Hakyeon to settle down and Taekwoon spends the rest of the car ride in his head, wrapped up so comfortably in his own thoughts that he can almost pretend that he's not there. He's pulled back when the car has stopped and Wonsik taps him on the shoulder. Taekwoon turns toward him silently and Wonsik looks a little uncertain as he asks, "are you okay?"

Taekwoon stares at him and it's not until Sanghyuk and Hongbin quietly climb over the seats and leave the car that Taekwoon realizes that he's supposed to leave too. Instead of answering, he climbs out of the car, shuffles slowly over to where the other members are waiting.

-

Taekwoon realizes that they all think something's wrong when Sanghyuk approaches him in the dorm after practice. Everyone is dumping their stuff on the floor, peeling off sweat-soaked clothes and tiredly running their hands over their faces. Taekwoon is in the middle of pulling off his shoes at the door when Sanghyuk steps up quietly. Taekwoon glances up at him and Sanghyuk waits, perfectly still, until he's finished. He trails after Taekwoon and together they make their way into the kitchen. It's not until Taekwoon is reaching for a new bottle of water that Sanghyuk finally speaks up.

"Is everything all right?"

Taekwoon stares at him.

"Because you're more quiet than normal," he pauses for a second, looking frustrated. "And not in a good way."

"I'm fine," Taekwoon says. Sanghyuk is standing in the doorway and Taekwoon tries to brush past him but Sanghyuk uses his long limbs to his advantage. Taekwoon is too tired to make a scene about this right now, body feeling weak and limp, so he steps back and studies Sanghyuk.

"We're getting worried about you," Sanghyuk finally says.

Taekwoon's voice is thin and fragile when he finds it again. "Why?"

Sanghyuk crosses his arms and Taekwoon realizes why they sent him. Sanghyuk could be blunt and honest with Taekwoon, he could cut to the chase and pull no punches and Taekwoon knows Sanghyuk wouldn't leave without getting the answers he needed. The only problem is that Taekwoon isn't sure he has any answers.

"I know you're not good at this kind of thing but you know you can talk to any of us." Sanghyuk seems a little defeated and Taekwoon realizes that, whatever it is, what he's doing is weighing heavily on the other members.

"I know," Taekwoon says as he looks down.

"Just," Sanghyuk pauses and drops his arms. "Just try and talk to someone okay?"

He reaches out and clutches Taekwoon's shoulder for just a moment and then he's gone.

It takes Taekwoon three days before he can find the energy he needs to go to Hakyeon. He probably found the worst time he could have possibly picked - they were due to be up in four hours and they had three fansignings to go to - but Sanghyuk's worried eyes had been burning at his conscience. Hakyeon looks up at Taekwoon with dark circles hanging sickly beneath his eyes and Taekwoon feels a pang of regret. But he knows that Hakyeon would rather hear him out than fret about him while still trying not to bother him like he's had to do for the past while as Taekwoon sorted things out in his head.

"Can we talk?" He asks quietly because Jaehwan and Hongbin are already in bed. Their eyes are closed but Taekwoon guesses they probably haven't fallen asleep yet and the only place he ever wants an audience is on stage. Hakyeon nods at him, a little confused, and follows him out to the couch.

They sit in silence for a while, Hakyeon waits patiently, clearly feeling no need to rush Taekwoon despite how obvious it is that he needs sleep. Taekwoon knows he's selfish but he needs to gather his words. He's been sifting through them these past few days, carefully rearranging them, and even now he's trying to place them in the right order.

"Do you ever feel," Taekwoon begins finally. "Like you don't want to exist for a while?"

Hakyeon's brows draw into a harsh, frantic line and Taekwoon continues before Hakyeon can get the wrong idea.

"I just need things to stop for a while." He looks down at somewhere around Hakyeon's collarbone as he speaks. "For things to be quiet for a bit."

Hakyeon reaches out towards him, hesitantly, and Taekwoon meets his hand in the air. He knows that Hakyeon is surprised, he's not usually this responsive to skinship, but he needs the comfort right now. He slips his fingers in between Hakyeon's and lets their hands rest in the space between them on the couch, holding Hakyeon's hand lightly as they both collect their thoughts.

"You know we can't do that," Hakyeon starts gingerly. He looks down at where Taekwoon is absentmindedly running his thumb over the back of Hakyeon's hand. "What can I do to help?"

Taekwoon is silent. He wants to be greedy and ask Hakyeon to make time stop, to fly them away to some hidden, deserted island so that they can be away from everyone, from everything. He wants Hakyeon to make the thoughts go away with all the noise and clamor both from inside his head and from outside. He just wants to sleep.

"Just keep running beside me," Taekwoon says after the silence starts to make his ears buzz. He's looking at Hakyeon, completely unabashed and Hakyeon's eyes widen; it's such an open and honest answer from Taekwoon that it seem to shock Hakyeon and he sits staring at Taekwoon's face for several long moments, mouth agape.

Eventually he pulls his hand away from Taekwoon's so that he can wrap his arms around him and Taekwoon's hands settle comfortably on Hakyeon's back. He closes his eyes slowly, breathes in, tries to sync his heartbeat up to Hakyeon's. Hakyeon is patting his back, gentle little thumps that feel like they're grounding Taekwoon and bringing him back down, piece by piece. He buries his face in Hakyeon's hair and shakes a little, tightly-coiled muscles unwinding all at once and leaving him boneless and weak.

Hakyeon holds him until they can see the sun beginning to peak above the top of the horizon. They have hardly any time now but they head back into the room, tiptoeing around Jaehwan's sprawled form. Hakyeon lays down on his mattress but Taekwoon pauses before he makes a decision. He steps over Jaehwan, bare feet pressing into the cold wood of the floor softly, and crouches down next to Hakyeon's bed. The older boy cracks an eye open but hardly misses a beat as he raises the edge of his blanket. Taekwoon crawls in next to him and settles himself along Hakyeon's back. The room is dim and sleepy and Taekwoon can feel Hakyeon breathing calmly against him.

-

Although Taekwoon can disappear when he wants to, he can't always get away. It's hard to hide when you live with five other (curious) boys and you're on lockdown in the dorm until morning. It's storming badly and they're confined to the dorm, schedules cleared for the rest of the night as they wait out the rain threatening to drown the world outside and Taekwoon is stuck in the bathroom again. He was hiding in the corner earlier, near the large window overlooking the city, but he was too easy to find, Jaehwan coming up to tell him a story or Wonsik asking if he can look at chord change for a new song. Even his ever present headphones are not a deterrent (although they hardly ever are with his group) and everything around him is too loud. With Hakyeon and Hongbin making dinner in the kitchen, Taekwoon stows away inside the bathtub, door unlocked but closed because he needs to be away from everything and there's nowhere else to go.

He picks at a thread dangling from one of the towels hanging near the tub. The air smells like moisturizer and their cheap, mango scented shampoo. Taekwoon taps his nails against the edge of the tub and stares at the bottles lined up along the wall. He didn't bring anything with him and so he sits in the tub and busies himself with his thoughts and memorizing the feel of the porcelain beneath him. After some time, he's pulled back by a noise from the hall; he traces the lines of the tiles with his fingertips, as far as he can go without moving, and listens to the voices he hears gathering outside of the bathroom door. He pulls his hand back into his lap, sitting still and straining his ears to hear their muted voices. They're speaking quietly, like they're afraid of bothering him, and Taekwoon wraps his arm around his legs. He rests his cheek against his knees and closes his eyes. The vent fan hums above him.

When Hakyeon calls for dinner and Taekwoon leaves the bathroom, a paper sign flutters against the door. It's hanging from the door handle, gently swaying as Taekwoon stares at it. On the paper is what looks to be a message in Sanghyuk's crude writing, do not disturb, accompanied by a little drawing of Taekwoon that he suspects was done by Jaehwan. When he sits down at the table, the others don't mention his absence, welcoming him with a small commotion and hands reaching over plates and between glasses. Hakyeon sets a bowl of rice down in front of him, a knowing, gentle smile on his face and Taekwoon looks up at him in gratitude. When Taekwoon goes to sleep that night, his head feels clearer and his heart feels lighter.

-

He's never quite as prepared as he thinks he is when Hakyeon noses against his cheek just before he presses his lips to Taekwoon's. He knows it's coming, knows from the way Hakyeon's fingers curl into his shirt before he leans forward but somehow it's always a surprise. Maybe it's because he's still never really expecting it, that Hakyeon would choose him over anyone else. (That he wants Hakyeon to choose him, time and again.)

He likes the dry, gentle press of Hakyeon's lips against his, likes the warmth of Hakyeon's body and the way Hakyeon's hands rest on his shoulders, but sometimes Hakyeon wants what Taekwoon can't give him. He's not being shy or trying to go slow and draw things out and it does hurt him when he has to pull away, because he wants to give Hakyeon everything but he can't. He likes Hakyeon's hands, likes his neck and his legs and his face and his fingers. He likes everything about Hakyeon from the tips of his sleep mussed hair to the calloused, dance-worn heels of his feet.

But he doesn't like Hakyeon the way Hakyeon likes him. He can't want Hakyeon the way that Hakyeon wants him.

Sometimes Taekwoon wishes it was different. He wishes he could pull Hakyeon to him, bury his hands in Hakyeon's hair, and give as good as he gets. He wishes he could return all of the gentle touches, the burning touches, that Hakyeon presses against his skin, with his fingertips, with his lips. But he can't. He's tried; he's tried so much that his heart starts pounding and his vision goes blurry and his hands shake like wind chimes in a hurricane but he can't do it. He's clenched his teeth and reached forward, laid trembling hands against Hakyeon's stomach and he's tried. He's squeezed his eyes tightly and pressed his body against Hakyeon's but he breathed so erratically he thought he was going to black out, fall over face first to the ground and cry. And through it, Hakyeon pushes against him gently, eases Taekwoon back so that he can look into Taekwoon's fearful eyes and say, "shhh. It's okay."

Hakyeon seems to understand - he's always seemed to figure things out about Taekwoon before Taekwoon can figure it out for himself. Even his own feelings. Because Hakyeon never seems hurt by it and that hurts Taekwoon. He wants to give Hakyeon everything that Hakyeon gives him but he can't do it like this. Taekwoon has tried so hard but Hakyeon seems content with what Taekwoon can give him, more than happy to run his fingers through Taekwoon's hair instead of over his stomach or down his back. He never pushes Taekwoon too far, keeps everything at feather light kisses and fleeting touches and sometimes he forgets but he tries, tries just as much as Taekwoon. And whatever they have, it works.

He can't give Hakyeon everything but he tries his best.

-

It's not loud, not really, but there's distant noise pressing in from all sides and it's starting to weigh him down. There's so much to get done, so many places to be and Taekwoon can't sleep, can't rest or even relax because there's something searing in his stomach, burning and bubbling over and seeping out through his fingertips. His thoughts are mountains, tall and imposing, and he can't climb them, not when all the strength has left his legs. He can't find it in himself to care right now.

There's sound coming from every corner, Sanghyuk's computer, Hongbin's guitar, Wonsik's music, Jaehwan singing, Hakyeon's phone, and every crevice is filled up with static, blaring white noise. Nobody else can hear it but him and his veins twitch in time to every sound, body vibrating in response to every noise and movement. He's about to take refuge in the bathroom once more, to drown out everything with the steady, constant whir of the fan, but then he hears the shower start and sinks into himself even more. He can't listen to music and hear more than he already is so he sits and waits.

He buries himself into his hoodie. It's two sizes too big and the hems of his sleeves are slipping over his knuckles. He watches Hongbin walk into the kitchen, hears the microwave beep, sees steam rising from a bowl as Hongbin leaves. And then he hears the guitar pick up again as Hongbin runs through another song. Taekwoon sighs and rolls onto his stomach, kicks his feet lightly against the arm of the couch. There's a rhythmic metallic sound coming from somewhere in the hall outside the dorm.

Taekwoon pushes his face into the cushions and stares at the floor. He follows the patterns of the grain with his eyes and loops back and forth and over until he becomes dizzy. The button of his jeans is pressing uncomfortably into his stomach and so he twists, rolls over onto his back and studies his hand. The bones look weird. He flexes his fingers and stares at the bones shifting underneath his skin, makes the veins dance back and forth. Someone's laughter drifts out from one of the rooms and Taekwoon pauses.

He's thinking too loudly, the thoughts roaring in his head and drowning out everything around him. He feels cold and exposed so he sits up, legs unfolding to touch down the the ground, and stands. Taekwoon walks over to the window and presses the pads of his fingers against the window. He lays them there for a moment, watches the cold glass fog up around his skin, then drags his palm down. His hand feels icy as it hangs next to his body and he looks out at the city below with its twinkling, colorful lights. The floor is cold beneath his feet and he shivers, shaking out a blanket that's folded on the floor.

He spreads it out, rolls his neck and feels the bones pop like styrofoam, and carefully sits down. Taekwoon brings his knees up, arms bracketing his legs, and drops his chin. He feels like an old dog, slow and lethargic with creaky bones and sad eyes. He curls his feet into the blanket and waits, looking out the window at the clouds in the dark sky, lit only by the moon. An errant sound makes its way up his throat; it's somewhere between a whine and a cry and he pulls his hood up. The fabric droops over his eyes and he feels embarrassed and skittish. He looks down at the blanket and it makes his skin look so pale, almost translucent. He wonders what it would be like to reach out towards the window and have his hand slip through the glass.

When Taekwoon looks back up, his hood slips father over his face and he has to tilt his head back farther to see the window. He gives up and tips over onto his side, legs splayed loosely out, one hand curled near his face. His breath hits the back of his hand, warm and damp.

They make ramen for dinner. When Wonsik steps into Taekwoon's corner to ask him if he wants to eat, Taekwoon shakes his head. They start eating and Taekwoon can hear them chewing, the noodles making slippery noises amongst the clinking of chopsticks against bowls. Taekwoon reaches for his headphones before he remembers that he doesn't have them with him. His knees are quivering, his body too tired to hold him up but his head not tired enough to let him sleep. The sounds of the others eating seems to grow louder and he shoves his fingers into his ears, curls in on himself and tries to breathe to block out the noise. His arms shake.

He's trapped in his own skin, cramped and burning and electrocuted and freezing. His body shakes but he can't move and his head is pounding, eyes so sensitive. He feels like his blood is thrumming in his veins, rushing in waves and sending his body into high alert. Taekwoon feels like he wants, needs, to shed his skin, like a snake. He wants to crawl out as a new person. His fingers tremble weakly. He can't make a fist.

He lays back and tries to breathe.

-

Hakyeon finds him like this, curled into a ball, hood up, palms pressed almost frantically against his ears. He kneels down next to the other boy and carefully peels his hands away from his head. Taekwoon's eyes are open wide, sad and watery, and Taekwoon collapses into him as Hakyeon pulls him into his arms. Hakyeon strokes Taekwoon's hair and they sit on the ground, rocking back and forth as Taekwoon shakes. Taekwoon's too weary to hold on tight so his arms hang dully at his sides. He sags against Hakyeon and tucks his nose into the collar of Hakyeon's shirt, and Hakyeon flinches because Taekwoon's nose is probably like an icicle but Hakyeon's skin is warm so Taekwoon burrows down a little more, feels like an overgrown hamster.

When Hakyeon pulls away, Taekwoon realizes the lights in the room have been shut off. He wonders how long he's been out here, how long he was out here before Hakyeon came and found him. Taekwoon is still gazing around the room slightly dazed as Hakyeon brings his sleeve up to dab lightly under Taekwoon's eyes. Taekwoon sniffs, realizes he might have been crying and pulls back, roughly wipes his face with his too-long sleeves, head bowed down and cheeks burning. Hakyeon takes it all in stride and pats Taekwoon's back and Taekwoon feels like the fog in his head ebbs away the tiniest bit every time Hakyeon's hand settles. When Taekwoon feels like he's gotten himself under control enough, he looks up. Hakyeon isn't judging him, just looking at him with concern, with...something else on his face and he stands, reaches down to hook his hands under Taekwoon's arms and heft him up. Taekwoon trips a little over the hem of his giant hoodie, bumps the top of his head against Hakyeon's chin. His feet are cold when he steps onto the floor.

He belatedly realizes that Hakyeon is bringing him somewhere as he shuffles after him, feet feeling like weights as Hakyeon pulls him by the hand. They don't go very far, stopping outside the bathroom, and Hakyeon flips on the light and nudges him inside. He stands there, unsure and confused and disoriented as Hakyeon hurries off down the hall. Taekwoon stares at himself in the mirror. His hair is sticking up strangely and his nose and cheeks, flushed red, stand out starkly against his pale skin. His eyes are puffy and he looks rumpled and a little feeble and it annoys him.

Hakyeon comes back into the bathroom, arms full of blankets and pillows. He dumps them all into the tub, turns to lock the door, and then begins arranging them. Taekwoon watches him, confused, and thinks that this must be what it feels like to have an out of body experience. He's still watching Hakyeon when the other boy turns around. He's still crouching at the side of the tub and he reaches out and grabs Taekwoon's hand. Taekwoon feels small when Hakyeon tugs him closer and stands up. They stare at each other for some time and Taekwoon studies the slope of Hakyeon's nose, the corners of his mouth, his determined eyes.

Hakyeon gathers Taekwoon up in his arms, cheek burning as it presses against Taekwoon's, and Taekwoon brings his arms up, cradles Hakyeon's head against him. They stand like that and Taekwoon listens to Hakyeon breathe, feels Hakyeon's chest move against his own with every breath. He pulls away first, lips almost (but not quite) dragging against Hakyeon's cheek as he moves back. Hakyeon smiles at him and steps into the tub.

Taekwoon gratefully lays down in the blankets, stills as Hakyeon arranges everything around them. When Hakyeon lays down beside him Taekwoon wastes no time in pulling Hakyeon to his chest.

"How are you feeling?" Hakyeon asks as he settles himself against Taekwoon.

Taekwoon thinks for a moment because he's not sure. An aching feeling had crept up on him earlier, leaving him angry and sad and helpless and he'd lost so much time, lost so much of himself to that feeling. But now he thinks he might be okay, might be rid of that feeling for a while. He could be running from it, hiding, or he could be destroying it with the feeling of Hakyeon's hair scratching against his cheek, Hakyeon's palm warm in his own. Taekwoon's feet are cold so he buries them underneath Hakyeon's legs, slides them down, pressing his toes into the soles of Hakyeon's feet.

"Okay," he says finally, because words are still hard right now, even with Hakyeon.

But it doesn't matter because Hakyeon understands, always understands. Taekwoon listens to the fan hum above them, the lights above the vanity mirror buzz, Hakyeon breathing, his own heartbeat. He can't hear anything outside the bathroom.

And for once, it's quiet.

**Author's Note:**

> As always, dedicated to my sun, moon, and stars. I showed her this and she even said, "i don’t see taekwoon. i only see you". Um. Oops? There will be at least two more parts to this. (Also, in case I've been a little too subtle about it, Taekwoon is asexual. Just. You know. So you know.)
> 
> (the other parts should hopefully be coming soon - i'm on winter break right now so)


End file.
